All I asked for Christmas was:
I was a really Good Grandpaw this year, so I went to the Mall and stood in line with One Hundred little Brats to have a chance to sit on Santa's Lap to ask him for a Brand new Canon 800 mm. L series telephoto lens. I explained to him how much I needed that lens so that I could take spectacular photos of Geese, Ducks, Eagles, Hawks and Elk.
Santa listened to my very reasonable request with quite a bit of attention for a fat old guy that had been sitting in a seat with hundreds of little brats climbing up and down on him all day long. Not to mention the big wet spot on his lap from the last little kid that had peed his pants! Of course, it didn't hurt his listening abilities by me holding tightly to his beard with one hand and holding a gun to his temple with the other hand.
I explained to him how I had recently found out that in the Native American Languages my name (Grandpawrichard Raymond) means "Deserves a Canon 800 mm.L series lens."
He seemed quite interested in what I was telling him (of course, when you are being held by the beard with a gun to your head; who wouldn't listen intently?).
When I finished telling Santa about my needs and my Only Gift Request, he handed me a candy cane and as I started walking off he said "I'll see what I can do for you little old man!" That's when my brakes went on! I quickly turned around, grabbed him in a head lock and Promptly told him the errors of his ways!
I let him know immediately and concisely that I am a well known archer and that my bows are not only deadly accurate, but also whisper quiet! I also told him that I am capable of shooting aspirins off a target at 20 yards, so he and his reindeer would be in deadly peril if I did not get my lens for Christmas!
Well, the senile old fat guy didn't heed my words! There was No 800 mm. L series lens left under our Christmas tree! I know that for a fact, because I was hiding in my Ghillie Suit disguised as the Christmas tree, so I Know what he left!
As he was trying to get his fat butt squeezed into our furnace chimney to get back up to the roof and to his sleigh, I grabbed my bow and dashed outside to dispatch the reindeer!
I was smart on which animals to take down first! I took out Rudolph because he was the lead deer. Then I took out Dasher and Dancer because they were the lead two deer in the series! The rest were easy pickings because they couldn't take off over the 3 dead deer in front of them!
It was like shooting fish in a barrel! Easy targets, close range and all tied together made for a series of quick dispatching! I had the deed done before Santa had squeezed his way through the furnace chimney pipe!
The look on his face when he saw the carnage was priceless! You could see by the look that he Knew he had messed up by not fulfilling my request! You could smell the fear for his well being! (or maybe it was due to him messing his pants!).
For an old fat guy Santa can jump off a roof and run down the street pretty darned quick! Even with an arrow sticking out of each butt cheek! (who would have known!) I bet that he learned his lesson this year and that next year he Will Listen better and Bring me What I Want for Christmas! If not, we will be doing the same thing over and over until he gets it right!
Well, I'm about to head off to bed now. I'm mighty tired from all of the work it took to gut 9 reindeer, get them down off the roof and hanging from the rafters of my archery shack. At least I have a huge freezer filled with Fresh, succulent Reindeer meat! I'll sure eat hardy during the next year!
Merry Christmas Everyone! Including Santa!
© Richard M.(Dick) Raymond Jr.
December 25, 2011
Dedicated to the memory of my Dad, who taught me how to tell tall tales!